This season on "Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce"...
What? Carl!
- The gigolo! - He's a companion.
You made a wonderful man who I love.
Guess who's almost done with her book!
Have you called Delia?
Albert was your cry of independence.
Go, run off to a new city.
But you're still gonna want your freedom...
because that's who you are.
You should seriously reconsider
being a part of my wedding.
You all need to make up before her big day.
I don't understand how you're so calm about this.
I'm worried he's gonna hurt himself.
I promise you, no one is abandoning your father.
I think JD's living here now.
I feel closer to him than I've ever felt to any man.
So back off,
because he's not going anywhere.
No, no, no Delia talk right now.
Will you tomorrow when you wake up and you realize
that you skipped out on your friend's wedding?
I freaked out on you because of my own shit.
Delia, I am so sorry.
I cannot stop imagining how we might be together.
God help me, I am in love with you.
This came via messenger.
You and Albert... you look like you were having fun.
- I've been terrified. - You've been terrified?
Of what, someone that would give you
anything that you wanted?
Gordon, this whole time all I've wanted is you!
This book is gibberish.
Just tell me how long you need, when you can get me a do-over.
Do-over? The whole book?
The only thing I can think of
is going out and telling everybody
that the wedding is off because the bride is a whore.
[sobbing] I'll do anything.
Please, just tell me what you want.
We are going downstairs,
and we are going to walk down that aisle.
You are gonna pretend to be a perfectly respectable bride.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[solemn pop music]
_
♪ Dun dah dah, dah dah ♪
♪ I been thinking... ♪
I don't understand what's happening.
- Where's Gordon going? - [tearfully] He left.
Someone sent him pictures of me and Albert.
Oh, honey, that's horrible.
This whole thing is just a show.
He called me a whore.
What?
You wanted us to go down in flames!
You got your wish!
Okay, uh, we are gonna ride with her.
Yeah, that would be good.
Hey, you, do not fall down that rabbit hole.
You did not make this happen.
- Unless you sent those pictures. - Jo!
- Did you send those pictures? - What?
You've been acting a little crazy lately.
Okay, we've got to get back to the reception.
- Come on. - What reception?
Gordon's not even here.
Yeah, well, there are a few details
we need to iron out.
♪ Maybe it's forever... ♪
♪ ♪
Look who popped in.
- Ah! - Daddy!
Yay!
Ohh... Mwah!
Oh...
Charlie.
Wait a minute. I don't understand.
How can you be... I left, you were like this big.
Now you're a monster!
And you smell! [laughs]
16 hours on a plane.
It was either shower... or get to give you...
[smooches] Kisses.
[smooches] I'd take kisses every time.
It's good to see you, brother.
And I do mean brother,
since you seem to have fathered a child of color.
Yes. I believe I have magic loins.
- [laughs] - Where's Lilly?
- Where's my girl? - At the wedding.
Delia, Gordon... That's today.
Weddings are barf.
Agreed.
Thanks for taking care of my little man.
And seriously, we got to, uh, go have a drink,
get caught up.
I mean is, uh... I mean, is Max ever coming home?
He comes out every weekend he can, you know.
But, yes, we will definitely go drinking.
Oh, and, uh, Abby... She's been, uh,
having a time.
You hear me?
Yeah. Okay.
- [cell phone chimes] - Thanks for the heads-up.
All right. Bye, boys.
- Say bye to your uncle. - Bye!
[line trilling]
- We need a game plan. - Alcohol.
Get the bartenders to pour double shots.
Get the people buzzed enough
that they don't notice that Gordon is AWOL.
It buys us some time.
Love it. Give me a heads-up if you see Scott, will you?
So I can, uh, ghost.
He told me he's in love with me.
- So what did you say? - I handled it very maturely.
- You ran away? - Yeah.
Jo, you guys have known each other a long time.
- I know. - And all your fighting...
It's a little sexy-sexy.
[whispering] It is. It is so sexy.
[normal voice] I like the guy, but I just...
He's such a train wreck, and I don't want to go there.
And I really need you to help me avoid him, okay?
- Okay. - Okay?
Okay.
Don't give me that look, woman.
No. I like the idea
of something nice happening for somebody.
Kat told me my book was a disaster.
It's a total do-over.
- Shit. - Uh, basically,
while all this is going on, I have been fighting...
crippling waves of panic.
Oh, honey, you will fix it. You always do.
Handsome, uh, there's been a delay here,
so I think I need you and your buddies
to be extra generous with the pours
so the natives don't get restless.
You got it. I will spread the word.
- Thank you. - There you are.
Delia is asking for all of us.
- Okay. - Mm-hmm.
I don't want to be mad at you.
Oh... be whatever you want, hon.
I've been a sucky friend to all of you,
and you have a real situation here.
I'm not mad at you.
I love you, and I yelled at you
because I really wanted to yell at myself,
'cause this is all my fault. [sniffles]
Well, I love you too, and...
Albert or his wife or whoever sent those pictures... I deserve this.
- This is Karma. - Untrue.
Nobody deserves what Gordon just put you through.
I told him that the affair was a reaction,
that it made me realize how much I want him.
And he said that he might want an annulment,
but he... he probably's gonna change his mind.
[cries]
He could. I mean, and I think
it's just gonna take some time.
What can we do now to help?
[crying] I don't know!
I mean, how do you celebrate
the shortest marriage in history?
I say one of us goes down there
- and tells everyone the truth. - No, no, no, no.
He doesn't want his friends and family
to know that his wedding's a total sham.
But a reception is about a bride and a groom.
And with Gordon gone, that's like...
Only one of the Olsen twins showing up on the red carpet.
It's the least I can do for him...
A quiet breakup in a couple of months.
[sniffles] Everybody's gonna be really sad,
but can you imagine?
The shitstorm of gossip and speculation that starts
once folks find out he took off?
[whispering] Nightmare.
All right, we're just gonna have to make this work.
I'm down, but how?
We're gonna make it distracting and quick.
We're gonna feed 'em, street 'em... 90 minutes, tops,
before anybody can ask any questions.
- Who is with me? - I am so in.
Okay. I'm gonna go talk to the wedding planner.
Operation Obfuscation is under way.
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --
[Upbeat music]
So... the wedding planner quit.
God, I always hated her. Whatever.
We got this. We got it.
Are you ready?
- As I'll ever be. - Good. Okay.
Barbara, can you handle Gordon's mom?
- Uh, uh, sure. - Okay, let's do it.
Okay.
- Carol, Delia sent me... - Where are they?
People are milling.
It's not good when people are milling.
Everything is fine.
[applause]
Thank you all so much
for all your love and support,
but I have unfortunate news.
All this excitement has gotten to Gordon, and...
His stomach is...
He's not keeping his food down, if you know what I mean.
He's got the runs. He's down for the count.
But he has implored me to implore you
to enjoy the meal and the entertainment
we've planned for you.
That's the best gift you could give him.
Okay, uh, dinner will be ready soon,
so, uh, let's get the party started!
- Yeah! - Yay!
Congratulations.
Hi.
Uh...
you're in charge of the grub, yeah?
I'm the chef,
and this is hardly grub.
Here's the deal... No more sit-down dinners.
We're gonna go buffet style.
So I want salads, entrées all on serving tables at once.
No buffet. That is impossible.
Pork loin does not sit well.
Gordon Ramsay, I, myself,
know the grub business.
So suck it up and make it work, entiendes?
Gracias.
Whoa! Hello, gorgeous.
Love me yet?
[Jazzy lounge music]
♪ I'm crazy ♪
♪ I'm crazy for... ♪
Rat Pack style... Love it.
But the bride would like to kick it up a bit,
you know, get a little dance vibe going?
Okay. So what's up?
Do we have a runaway groom?
Uh, I can neither confirm or deny.
But the bride would like to hear, for example,
"Sugar Walls" by Sheena Easton
or "Atomic Dog."
Ah, Easton, George Clinton...
The bride's got some serious taste.
Oh, well, those are actually my choices.
Uh, anyway, I need it fast, funky, and sweaty,
and I need it now.
Oh, do you really, now?
Yeah.
Now.
Hey, slow down, beautiful. What's your name?
♪ When I hear music... ♪
Sexy on a biscuit.
- Mmm! - ♪ You got the music ♪
Hey.
What are you doing?
Capturing moments, you know?
More intimate than pictures.
Bad idea? Uh-oh.
No, it's, uh... It's lovely.
It's beautiful.
[sighs]
Delia got the jitters
and cheated on Gordon,
and he found out, and he left.
So he's... he's gone.
Oh. That's pretty bad.
Beyond.
I don't know... Sometimes it feels like
falling in love is a...
trick.
It fools you into thinking forever thoughts,
but does it ever really last?
It's going to with us.
How do you know?
I just know.
We're gonna grow old together,
and when one of us dies,
the other one's gonna... die of a broken heart right after...
or liver failure...
or an appendiceal tumor,
because we can't live in a world
that doesn't have both of us in it.
[gentle music]
♪ ♪
That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How's our girl?
Uh, Delia is, uh, she's hanging tough.
What's going on with Scott?
As if things couldn't get any worse.
- That bad? - Hello, ladies.
[slurring] I guess my invite got lost in the Interweb.
This is nice.
This reminds me of our nuptials.
Not really. Our wedding was a crap-fest.
Disaster. You stay on Delia.
- Mm! - Come here.
What the hell, Frumpkis? What are you doing here?
You smell like a subway urinal. You have got to go.
I will. I will, I will, I will.
But I just... I need to give some valuable advice
- to the husband of the bride. - Oh...
No, some mental grooming for the groom, if you will.
That's not gonna happen...
[piano music playing] Anytime soon...
Excuse me. Would you mind?
We're talking here. Your daughter is here.
Your daughter, okay?
- Hmm... - What's going on?
Get it together!
I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling so...
When was the last time
you had anything besides a liquid diet?
- Do beer nuts count? - Oh, you asshole.
- Silver Fox is on the move. - Oh. Mm-hmm.
Intercept!
- Carol! - Hi.
- You look gorgeous. - Where's Gordon?
If he's sick, I want to see him.
Oh, he's... No, he's sleeping it off.
Mm-hmm.
Truth? He...
tried to drink away his pre-wedding jitters.
- [cell phone ringing] - Yes. A lot of jitters.
Jitters? Gordon has met with heads of state,
the president of Guam.
I just have to take this. I'm so sorry.
Kat?
Hi, um, I'm kind of still in the thick of it.
I'll say. This Jezebel leak is...
Honestly, I don't know what it is.
- Jezebel leak? - Yes.
They just went live with an excerpt from "Us Weekly."
"Secrets of a Hollywood Gigolo."
He names names.
[laughs] What?
Including yours.
Oh, God. Don't tell me it's...
Carl?
I promised our kid you'd get your shit together.
I need you to nut up and drink this... come on.
- Ah... - Ow!
- [Scott shouting indistinctly] - Ow! Jesus Christ!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
- Hey, listen! - Shit!
Listen, you've inflicted enough on this fine woman,
let alone Zooey!
You threw away two exceptional girls...
Your family.
The least you can do is crawl under a rock and die alone.
[tearfully] You're right.
It's true.
[normal voice] Hit me.
Oh, amazing. You even take the fun out of you getting hit!
- Look, I-I'll show him out. - No, no, thank you for trying.
But what are we gonna do...
We're gonna throw him out on the street?
Street? He has a mansion in Hancock Park.
It's in Charlene's name.
Oh, please, let me hit him.
[chuckles] So tempting.
Oh, no, no, no.
- What? - You're in love with him.
- Oh, my God. - You are.
- Oh, my God. - She is?
Why are all my middle-aged women
falling for hot, younger guys?
What is this, upside-down world?
Jo, he does know you quite well...
Enough, enough. Look, you get it together and sober up.
And, you, do your "charming bakery guy" thing
and stay out of it.
I never paid for sex.
I paid him to talk,
and we didn't.
And then I... you know, and another time,
I didn't pay him, and we did.
So, technically, I-I never paid for it.
Even if I understood what you just said,
that is a distinction no one gives a crap about!
I can't believe he would do this.
Look, look, look, I-I-I'll take care of it.
I will just try to make sure this isn't a career killer.
- I'll... I'll spin it somehow. - "Career killer"?
You know, thank God you don't have children.
That's all I can say.
- This would be a mess. - Kat...
I have two... 8 and 15.
Have you never read any of my books?
I have people for that.
Look, I'll look into it. I'll get back to you.
Carl?
My phone is blowing up.
Why didn't you tell me?
Everybody at SheShe is flipping out.
I have a friend who, yes, is a male companion,
but I never paid him for sex.
I paid him to talk about his work.
And then you had sex with him.
On another occasion. And that was a freebie.
And I realize as I say that right now
that that doesn't sound very good.
Do you have any idea how much time and money
SheShe spent building you
as the sexy, fun face of divorce?
Well, uh...
I got hot sex on demand...
for a small fee.
[laughs] I-I am a woman who paid a man to leave.
How is that not fun and sexy?
You know what Carl said in the article?
That you were lonely and desperate,
because after you tried to get back with your ex
and that failed,
you went after Harris, and he dumped you.
I guess I over-shared with him a little bit.
Jesus, what were you thinking?
Why are you attacking me, Barbara?
I just... I-I didn't...
I mean, I thought I still had
some sort of semblance of a private life.
Well, you were wrong.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
Hey.
Your... your front door was open.
Yeah. I left it open for you.
- Oh. - No, it was open...
like wide.
Dad called it "home-invasion bait."
Charlie, no, I didn't... I didn't...
Okay, I think the TV's on in the other room.
- Why don't you go pick a channel? - Yes!
Okay. No blood, no boobies.
I-I let him watch TV. TV.
And then... and then I tried to feed him Ben & Jerry's.
Anything to stop the wailing, and...
- It's okay. - It's not okay.
And I thought I could do this without Payton
and by myself, but I can't,
and he's on location, and the nanny is sick.
So I was thinking just...
just for a second, just duct tape,
just, like, a little bit of duct tape...
- Here, let me just take him. - Right over his mouth.
Give him to me for a sec.
Hey, buddy, hi!
[chuckles] Oh, sweet!
He's sweet.
How long have you been... alone in here?
[voice breaking] Thursday? I don't know...
Um, ha. It's a little blurry.
[chuckles] Given the circumstances,
I know this is an unfair thing to ask you, but...
can you take him for a little bit?
- No, Becca. - Just to the park
or Magic Mountain or anything?
Jake, I'm worried if I keep hearing that cry,
I'm gonna dropkick him out of a window,
and then I'm gonna be like one of those moms on "Dateline,"
- and then I'm gonna... - Okay, okay, yes, yes, yes.
I'll take him, because I care about you.
And we don't want you to be on "Dateline."
You promise me you'll get some sleep,
and then you can just text me when you wake up...
Oh, really? Okay.
And you will sleep, and you will text me when you wake up.
- I'm gonna sleep. Oh, God! - I got it. I got him.
Him. What is his name, actually?
Don't say Taye Junior, please.
Christopher. It's Christopher.
Christopher?
[silly voice] Christopher!
Thank you!
Yeah. Um...
at some point, we're gonna have to also talk about the fact
that I'm not this baby's father.
I know. I know. God!
Not now, no, when you're of saner mind.
- Okay? - Thank you.
I don't know what I was about to do.
You're the best.
- Thank you. - Yes, I am.
- Charlie, we're gonna go, buddy. - [sighs]
Ah, JD, right?
I have to move the wedding cake into the dining tent.
Could you look after this sorry excuse for a human
just while I work for a bit?
It's very important to Jo.
I deserve this.
Oh, yeah. Yep, sure.
Don't we all, for one reason or another?
Just, um, keep him away from, uh, humans.
I'm actually very good at keeping away from humans.
Perfect. Thanks, mate.
I had a black eye once.
Yeah, a possum did it.
Well, he didn't hit me, but he tripped me and...
You know what this is?
This is today, guy.
I mean, it starts off all hearts and flowers...
then boom!
Ah, yeah. I feel terrible for Delia...
and Gordon.
I mean, she messed up bad, but, you know,
he... he... the way that he took off, you know...
Gordon took off?
From his own wedding?
Listen, we have broomed
all the major bride/groom rituals.
There's no cake cutting, no first dance,
so we have got this bitch...
♪ handled ♪
Excuse me, excuse me. Hello.
Excuse me, excuse me. May I have your attention, please?
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
- Yeah, um, I'd like to say... - Why is her here?
On this sacred, romantic, and poetic occasion
that love is...
a fraud.
Ha!
You see, I-I married that woman, but...
No! No, no, Jo. I need to say this.
- Come here. - So I married her...
That beautiful woman.
But then I married another woman
at the same time,
because, you see, the truth is,
nothing can live up to... to this...
This promise of forever passion, forever devotion.
I still love you, Jo.
[whispering] Oh, God.
But love lied and told me that I needed more.
[laughing] So I betrayed you.
I cheated on you. God, oh, yeah, I cheated on you.
Just like Delia did to Gordon.
She couldn't even make it to the day!
Oh, my God. All right.
[guests murmuring]
Oh, yeah, yeah, uh...
the groom's not sick.
Yeah, he's gone. He... he dumped her.
[guests shouting]
[men grumbling]
I am never getting married.
Amen to that.
Okay, time to hide.
At least you don't have to pretend anymore
Yeah, people are taking the gifts back,
so there's postage saved.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, just fine.
Abby...
you need to hold it together.
I know.
I just...
I'm having a-a little heart attack.
Oh, my God, well,
do you have any numbness in your arms
or pain in your chest?
No, it's just like a-a wave of... heat
just hit me like a ton of bricks, and...
And then I... chills...
- [breathing heavily] - Oh, honey...
Oh, God.
- I so can't die. - Sweetheart.
You're not dying. You're having a hot flash.
Like in menopause?
[softly] Just like that.
[softly] Why does God hate me?
What should we do?
Should we just get you out of here?
Abby needs water. I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get a drink.
[knock on door]
I'd like to speak to Delia, please.
- Oh, God. - Now's not the best time.
It's okay.
Hi, Carol.
I'm so incredibly sorry.
Oh!
I just talked to Gordon.
I will make him understand
that he has always been
far too good for you.
[solemn music]
♪ ♪
[door closes]
[crying]
[Diamond Head's "Am I Evil?" playing]
Hey, hey, hey, hot stuff.
I feel so, uh, liberated breaking all the DJ rules.
Maybe after this, uh, crap-fest is over,
you and I could get a...
Oh. Hey, um...
you seem nice...
but I am just out of a hellish marriage myself.
Oh. That sucks.
How long ago?
Three years.
♪ Like a double dozen ♪
♪ Before you, smells so sweet ♪
♪ Am I evil? ♪
♪ Yes, I am ♪
I know what I want to do. I want to get shitfaced.
- That can be arranged. - Mm-hmm.
♪ ♪
- Epiphany. - Mm-hmm.
You know the greatest thing
about you guys being my only friends here is?
Well, we're spectacular.
- Yes. - Granted.
All the rest of the people standing are Gordon's people.
[laughs] They're only staying for the free booze.
- They don't want to talk to me. - Mmmm.
You're a free-range jilted bride, girl.
Yes.
- Let's dance. - Yes.
[crying]
[knock on door]
Go away!
[knock on door]
Can't a woman have a breakdown in peace?
Abby, it's me.
♪ Love hurts ♪
♪ Love scars ♪
Jake?
♪ Love wounds ♪
♪ And marks any heart... ♪
Love eviscerates.
- Love demolishes. - Yes, it do.
Love is not all that bad.
- Today was the worst. - Uh...
But romance doesn't always end horribly.
Oh, shut up, Phoebe. You're mellowing my harsh.
- Hey... - [feedback whines]
Ah. Sorry for that somewhat shrill interruption,
but after the last toast, I felt the need to rebut.
I mean, for me it's always been sex.
Yes, please, sign me up.
But love... nah.
Suckers need only apply.
And then I met this woman...
Oh, God, not again.
This tempestuous she-devil
Well, I knew that she stirred things in me,
and not just in the loinal region.
- Loinal... Richie, ha! - But just in... Jo... Jo...
- I will... - Give it.
Let me guess.
[British accent] After one epic snog,
you've been magically turned into a romantic.
[normal voice] And even though giving your heart to somebody
is a ridiculous, stupid risk,
what would life be if nobody ever took that chance?
And you, Scott, are here to say before God, friends,
and people we don't know
that you truly, madly, deeply adore me?
Yes.
Y-yes, actually. Well done.
Okay, everybody listen up.
No matter what feelings I have for this person,
loinally or otherwise,
we're a recipe for disaster.
And he can say he loves me...
[chuckles] But soon enough...
believe me, sooner or later,
this feeling will pass.
No.
I'm not Robert Frumpkis. I'm...
But you're Scott.
Man whore.
[softly] And nobody ever changes.
[normal voice] We are who we are.
Just snap out of it.
- [scattered applause] - Whoo! Yeah!
You and Frump deserve each other.
Best wedding I've ever been to.
Seriously.
Aw.
[glasses clink]
Is that...
Yeah. That's the baby that lived in my girlfriend
in your guesthouse
and briefly in Taye Diggs' ball sack.
And you have him why? I mean, I'm not...
Let me just see that baby.
[sniffs]
[laughs] Abby.
Oh. That's so scrumptious.
Mm.
What's going on?
I mean, I come to pick up Lilly,
and Frump tells me that story about Delia,
and then you're in here.
Abby...
- Truth? - Mm-hmm.
I took on too much.
[chuckles]
You? Really?
Between SheShe and the book and the kids...
And then trying to leapfrog
into a new relationship with Dr. Perfect...
- So not perfect. - Yeah, so not perfect.
Yeah. That came to an ugly end,
which we all saw coming.
And then this little guy...
I mean, that broke my heart a little bit,
and not because of my baby stuff, you know,
but because...
because of the connection to you.
Jake, having you gone
was so much harder than I thought it was gonna be.
Us married, I get that... That's over, but...
Me and you...
[softly] Yeah.
I have a confession to make.
Oh, my God, don't tell me there's a Latvian baby.
Yes, there is.
No, no Latvian baby,
but I did not get stuck in the Helsinki airport.
I got stuck on the floor of my hotel room.
That movie wrapped,
and this wave hit me.
It was grief.
It was grief over the death of Jake and Abby 2.0.
I was just hoping to skip that part, you know,
get to the heal part.
Yeah, me too. I don't think it works like that.
Obviously. I mean, this is the...
The face of skipping it.
I screwed everything up bad.
The book's a mess because I'm trying
to write about moving on, and I haven't.
Okay, so feel that.
I mean, I was eating Latvian... carpet.
I didn't... figure everything out,
but I looked into that big, black hole of loneliness...
and it's scary as shit.
But I realized it's not gonna kill me.
Well... it might kill me.
No way. I promise.
But you need to give me the kids for a week or two,
and you need to go take the time
to not be fine.
And, yeah, part of us is over.
And I will always be here for you.
I'll always be here for you too...
always.
[baby fusses] Oh, sorry.
- Oh, Jesus. - Sorry, little baby.
[sighs]
Oh, my God, I forgot to tell you the worst part.
What's that? [clears throat]
I had my first hot flash... today.
- [both laugh] - Oh, honey.
Why does God hate you?
That's exactly what I said.
Come here.
[sniffles]
We're gonna be okay.
Um, there is one other slight wrinkle
that I probably should mention.
I mean, a gigolo... For Christ sakes, Abby.
- A companion. - Gross.
And technically, I never paid for the act.
I paid him to talk,
and then on a completely other occasion...
Okay. Whatever.
It's gonna hit the Internet.
- What are we gonna tell Lilly? - I'll talk to her.
No, we'll talk to her.
I don't want you bamboozling her with your technicalities.
- Bamboozling? Really? - Yeah.
She's gonna be fine.
Who pays for sex... crack whores?
Uh, well, actually, crack whores are more likely...
Abby, not a teachable moment right now.
Lilly, we understand how incredibly humiliating it is...
Can I just say that if I were a man
and I had an encounter...
- Abby. - Unpaid with a professional,
this would so not be a story.
- Abby... - Gross.
How could you do this to me?
I mean, the whole time Dad's been gone,
you've been so weird, like...
And now this?
I mean, I've been holding her hair back while she pukes,
and she's been fainting and ending up in the hospital.
- I hate you. - Lilly.
What? It's your turn. You deal with her.
She had to hold your hair back after you puked?
I ate too much cake.
Uh-huh.
And you know what? She's upset.
- She's gonna calm down. - Yeah. I don't know.
This is a tough one.
[sighs]
- Family drama? - Not now, Barbara.
I don't need another one of your lectures.
Oh, I think you do.
You really screwed the pooch on this one.
Can you just stop? Seriously.
I get it. Now you hate me again.
No, see, here's the problem.
Yeah, at first, your "sunny side" divorce crap
made me crazy.
But you wore me down.
I like you, Abby McCarthy.
I like your friends.
In fact, you all give me hope.
You make me want to see the upside of my situation,
which is so not me.
That is so not you.
So now you're the only person I can stand at SheShe.
[chuckles]
So, if Mitchell fires you,
I'm stuck with him and his Tim Gunn wannabes.
[laughs]
- Really? - Really.
So...
I'm sorry that I'm pissed,
but it's because
your brand has actually been helping me.
I mean, that DJ called me sex on a biscuit.
I was just a plain old biscuit before you came around.
Well...
you have to go for that!
The DJ?
What's the worst that could happen?
See?
Sunny.
Thank you.
I had no idea I meant that much to you.
Oh, okay.
Mm.
Don't get carried away, you know.
We still have our door.
- Door. - Yes.
- Closing it. - [both laugh]
[slow mellow rock]
♪ ♪
- You okay? - Me?
Swell.
'Cause... Dad kind of lost it,
and Scott finally came to his senses.
Excuse me?
Please, Mom.
Anybody with two eyes can see he's in love with you.
♪ I made a promise... ♪
Well, I guess I have only one eye.
Yeah. I guess so.
♪ To be there for you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I'm a lover, not a fighter ♪
- [indistinct chatter] - ♪ You know I keep... ♪
There you are.
All: Oh...
What is this place?
To prohibition, ladies.
Poor rich people... they had to build their own ballroom.
You have missed some other earth-shattering toasts.
Well...
just, uh, I don't want you to feel left out.
So I'm gonna make one more.
Um... [clears throat]
I just...
I know that I haven't made the best impression
and this is fast, but, uh, I...
- love Phoebe... - Aw.
So much, and...
[laughs] We got married!
At the courthouse yesterday!
♪ ♪
I guess this reception wasn't a total waste.
Mmm.
It belongs to Phoebe and JD now.
Ah, they're pretty disgustingly happy.
I know, it's so sweet, so hopeful.
Anybody want to wager on how long
marriage number three's gonna last for our little girl?
I hope it works.
If it doesn't, it better blow up fast
because that love addict never gets a prenup.
- [laughs] - Ew.
Sorry. Now I know you're gonna be okay.
That is the shark talking.
That is the badass, take-no-prisoners Delia.
- Remember when we met? - Mm-hmm.
You laid it out.
You said there is no handbook
for women having the same amount of power as men
in love and life,
and that is why...
All: That is why marriage is dead.
[laughs] Oh, my God, I know.
I went to Gordon's this morning for a quickie.
- You know what he said to me? - Hmm?
He said, "I always knew you wanted
this ridiculous wedding because you're still a woman."
He did not.
- Oh, I bet he did. - Oh!
- Hello, ladies. - There she is.
♪ Hey ♪
- Koala bear. - Koala bear!
- Aw. - Wait a minute.
Ladies, I got something to say.
And it may be the champagne talking,
but I think not.
Do tell.
[softly] I love Gordon so much.
But I do not want to be married.
Yeah.
♪ So we got our second chance ♪
You were right. I sabotaged it.
I am just in this $25,000 wedding dress
to make Gordon happy.
- What? - Veinticinco?
I told you it was ridiculous.
- Estúpida! - Okay.
We're gonna resell it,
and you're gonna take us on a fabulous holiday.
Oh, yes.
Exactly. Oh...
I'm not the marrying type.
- To Delia. - [women laughing]
Who's just happily...
unmarried.
Cheers.
[pop music plays]
♪ ♪
You guys have to come under here.
It's amazing. It's like floating in an expensive clouds.
It's so tulle-y.
I don't even know if you're wearing underwear.
Are you wearing underwear?
Oh, Barbara...
yes!
- Get it! - [women whooping]
Abby, can you hold this guy just for a little bit?
I promised Charlie some hide-and-go-seek.
- So... - Oh, my gosh.
Oh, Jake, do you think this could be a thing maybe,
where we can stay involved with the baby?
Can we maybe not discuss that right now.
Let's worry about our... our actual daughter,
who's upset about Carl the gigolo
and, you know, the puking and the hospital stays.
So just...
♪ ♪
Sorry... the whole gigolo story...
We know.
The whole world knows. [laughs]
Not like we've noticed.
Oh, my God, I don't want to make this about me.
Oh, puh-lease. Honey, I am dying.
What is the story?
Uh, the story. The story is that I, um...
I made a mess of my whole life,
and, uh, I tried to be the perfect, sexy ex.
And instead, I shamed my family
and may have lost all my jobs.
- What happens if, uh... - Hey, you...
you messed up.
Join the club.
Yeah. You always say we're your family.
Well, that goes for you too...
and Delia.
We may be an island of misfit toys,
but we are your misfit toys.
Oh, hell, yes.
We are here for you.
Thank you.
I just need to face the deep, dark hole, you know.
Perfect. Let's fall apart together.
Yeah.
Except Phoebe here.
She's got some honeymooning to do.
I do.
I think we should dance.
[laughs]
- Let's do this. - Help me up.
- Oh, Jesus. - Okay. Here I come.
[Loney, Dear's "Sinister in a State of Hope"]
♪ Summer night ♪
♪ And I did not hope ♪
♪ ♪
♪ For something I ♪
♪ Couldn't have ♪
♪ You turn me down ♪
♪ Let it happen ♪
♪ ♪
♪ With your hands ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Someway I ♪
♪ Let it happen ♪
♪ In a flash ♪
[cell phone vibrating]
_
[cell phone beeps]
[baby cries]
Hey. Kids are fried.
- I'm gonna take 'em home, okay? - Okay.
- Have fun. - [baby cries]
Jake...
thank you.
♪ Sinister ♪
♪ In a state of hope ♪
♪ ♪
So, Kat, I-I really...
No, no, no, no, listen, listen.
Good news. This Carl business?
Turns out to be a blessing in disguise.
I mean, the divorce book, you know, truth be told,
I was this close to killing it, but, uh, you...
sneaky monkey...
Turns out you have a hot story to tell.
Wait. What?
Abby McCarthy... Man-whore-happy mama.
That's the book. It's sensational!
Everybody wants a look inside that world.
I can't write about that.
I have a 15-year-old daughter
- who reads. - Well, what can I say?
You know, publish or perish. [stammers]
I mean, Abby, you're running out of identities!
Well, I can make the divorce book work.
I just need more time.
No, sorry, hon, you ran out of time
when you paid that hunk to touch your naughty bits.
Jilted and desperate?
Nobody's buying "life after" advice from you.
But what they will buy
is a super-dirty tell-all and pay big bucks too!
What about menopause?
Emma Thompson's doing it. It's too late.
I'm offering you a last chance...
A memoir.
One middle-aged woman's adventures in the sex trade.
♪ ♪
Or I think we've come to an end.
What do you say?
I guess we're done here.
I will do something else.
Not as a writer, you won't.
♪ Someway I... ♪
You're fired, Kat.
♪ Let it happen ♪
♪ In a flash ♪
♪ In a fla-a-sh ♪
[baby fusses]
Daddy, I'm sleepy.
Can I watch TV?
No, buddy, we're just gonna drop the little guy off
and go home.
Becca.
She's not here, Dad.
What do you mean she's not here?
I mean she's gone.
♪ ♪
♪ When all ♪
♪ I want ♪
[cell phone vibrating]
♪ Is a state of hope ♪
_
[scoffs]
♪ ♪
[cell phone continues vibrating]